A Shelter in the Storm

 By Peter Mitchell

“Grief comes like the waves,” says Anne King, Manager of Volunteer Services for Acclaim Health.

When a loved one dies, the loss strikes hard and rocks your world to the core. The initial surge subsides and you feel you have weathered the storm. Then another wave comes crashing over the horizon and you struggle to stay afloat one more. The waves keep coming and you toss and turn like a ship lost at sea.

“When those waves come, we want people to know we are there during the rough times,” Anne says. “We want people to know they can call us.”

Acclaim Health has opened the Bereavement Resource Center to provide a beacon for people struggling with the loss of a loved one; a candle on the water of sorts to help navigate the stormy seas of grief.

Lynn Smail is the Center’s keeper of the light. A Registered Practical Nurse, she has worked within the organization for fifteen years. Originally part of the Visiting Nursing Program, she has spent the past three years in Volunteer Support. Her work with Acclaim’s Hospice Program led to her role as the Center’s Bereavement Co-ordinator.

The center is made possible through two sources: the Ministry of Health Long Term Care; and through cash donations. A large percentage comes through a fund raiser held by the Maycourt Club Festival of Trees. This year alone they donated $12,500.00 to help.

“We hope to offer some recognition on our door to recognize the groups that have contributed financially to make this possible, “Anne says. “If it wasn’t for their help, we would not be able to offer this service free of charge to the public. Many people cannot afford a lot of counseling. They may be able to call once or twice, but after that they feel it really is quite expensive.”

Lynn agrees. “It’s free, and that’s good because it is usually long term. People may not need you intensely every week. They might at first until they begin to feel settled. And then they could be calling back a year later. That’s what’s nice, they can always come back.”

In addition to overseeing the Center’s day-to-day operations, Lynn is responsible for ordering the resources she feels best suit people’s needs, interviewing new referrals, and conducting the home visits that are crucial in helping people cope with the first wave and start to take control of their grief.

“People feel devastated,” she says. “To be able to go to their environment gives them a lot of comfort. Once they get some information, it also gives them the ability to realize they can come here and seek out the information themselves.”

During that first visit, Lynn helps the bereaved navigate through grief’s fog to establish their exact needs and expectations, and helps them start to draw the map that will bring them to the end of their journey. The possible routes are almost endless.

“Some people want a group; some don’t,” she says. “Some people just want the information hand-outs, and others want websites where they can go independently to try and find the information themselves. We provide all that, and connections with other agencies such as Bereaved Families of Ontario. We can’t meet everybody’s needs, but maybe we know who can.”

“The main idea behind the Center is to provide a big base of support in a lot of ways. At a time when you’ve had a loss, it’s not good to spend a lot of time trying to find the services you need because you don’t have a lot of energy. This is a place where people can come and discuss issues or review the resources we have.”

Those resources include a lending library of books and videos, information brochures, support groups, website listings, and the most important resource of all –a caring hand.

“We’re making it as cozy a place as you can come to at a time when you are hypersensitive to everything, even your environment,” she says. “If you are not made to feel warm and comfortable, you are not going to feel trusting. You are not going to feel relaxed. You are not going to help yourself.”

To create that comfort zone, Lynn has transformed a simple office into a soothing oasis. On first entering, you are greeted with the message “Seek with the soul. See with the heart.” Your eyes are invited to dance across the artwork specifically selected to invoke peaceful contemplation. Your ears delight to the music of gently falling water coming from the Circle of Friends figure on the bookshelves. And as you take your seat in a soft chair that lets you sink into its embrace, you are welcome to play one of the soothing CD’s available for your listening pleasure.

For some, a few moments of solitude is all they need. For others, the support they seek is more involved. And that’s where the Bereavement Resource Center’s Candle truly shines bright.

Anne explains. “Our bereavement initiatives grew from our Hospice Program where we were already providing Bereavement In-home Follow-up Visits for families of people with progressive life-threatening illnesses. We felt there was a need for more services in this area.”

Acclaim worked with bereavement counselors in the area to develop a specialized five week Advanced Grief Training Program for volunteers that had completed the required ten weeks of Hospice training. The program, called “Grief and Opportunity to Care”, builds on the basic lessons volunteers learned early in their studies. As they quickly discover, grief is anything but basic.

A loss is a loss; but as there are many various kinds of death, so too are there different kinds of grief. The loss of a parent creates a different set of responses than the loss of a child or sibling. Children feel grief differently from teenagers who, in turn, experience it differently from adults.

Lynn offers the following example. “There is a difference between someone who has had a palliative experience, and someone who is grieving a sudden death. Each is going to have a different initial response, and each will have their own issues.”

“They may experience different feelings of guilt. One may have had a long term relationship with someone who had a drawn out illness, and feel terrible that the person suffered. The other may regret they did not do enough for the person when they were alive, and now it is too late.”

Lynn also points out the numerous personality types that need to be addressed. “Some people are shy or very private and just want to talk one-on-one. Others feel the group dynamic works best for them. They want to relate to somebody else.”

“And sometimes there is an evolution: they start out one way, then evolve to the point where they feel they need to find support in other ways. Once they get past how the loss has happened, they can be supported by a variety of people.”

The support groups are run by Barbara Brown, a Nursing Professor at McMaster University who has been involved with bereavement work for over 25 years. They run for eight weeks in the Spring and Fall, alternating between locations in Burlington and Oakville. After the eight weeks, the group formally meets again twice more over the next two months.

But Lynn says that does not mean the support ends. “What happens is they bond really well and they often continue to meet informally after the formal sessions have ended. It just comes naturally that they help each other.”

She says that while there has been a lot of spousal support in recent sessions, people who have suffered the loss of a child or parent have also proven to fare better in a shared environment with other bereaved families.

One issue that is often voiced and receives a round if agreement in the support groups is the ubiquitous greeting, ‘How are you?’

“We have all said it at least a thousand times without thinking of what it really meant,” Lynn explains. “We are not really asking the person how they are; it’s just a simple greeting. But when you are bereaved you become hypersensitive to it. It’s not just a hello. It can get to the point where the bereaved person thinks, ‘If one more person asks, I’m really going to tell them!’”

Another common refrain is the sense of awkwardness people often feel around those who have suffered a loss.

“As a bereaved person, you can sense the discomfort. You know people are not ready to hear what you really want to say, and which roads you can’t go down. You find yourself telling them what to tell you. You wind up supporting the supporter.”

Anne says for these, and other reasons, the Center was conceived to also serve as a resource for those who are helping others cope with bereavement: nurses, personal support workers, friends, and family.

Lynn agrees, “We have books that answer the ‘How do I help’ and ‘I don’t know what to say’ questions. ‘The Helper’s Journey’ and ‘How to Help Bereaved Children’ come to mind. One book that stands out has the memorable title, ‘Don’t Ask For the Dead Man’s Golf Clubs’."

“Essentially, that is what happened to this poor woman: a widow,” Lynn explains. “A friend came over right away and did just that. That tweaked her to find out what people really do need. She interviewed grieving families and asked them ‘How do we help?’ It’s absolutely excellent.”

Lynn tells people that when they look through a book, take from it only what they feel is helpful and disregard the rest.

“Not every book is going to meet your needs, and not every word is necessarily going to touch you. The books people like are as unique as the people themselves.”

Visitors to the Center are also invited to attend Acclaim's Candlelight Service held in the chapel at Appleby College every Spring. It is a non-donminational Memoriam service, complete with choir and readings by the Reverend Susan Sheridan. Its purpose is not so much to mourn the death, but to celebrate the life.

As Anne explains, "We want to reach out to the people who are hurting and bereaved as a result of their loss. This service symbolizes and signifies it in a number of ways. One is the lighting of the candle in memory of the person. Another is placing a flower on a tree which symbolizes a tree of life when all the flowers are arranged."

"It's quite a moving service. You can feel the emotion in the room. Once it is finished there is an almost joyful sensation. There is also a reception, and at that point people say 'It was so great to be able to remember and to share.'"

Lynn adds, "It's nice for our nurses and volunteers as well. Often they were in the trenches with the families at the time it was really tough. And they just want to reconnect. That means a lot to the people too; and they reminisce about the person they've lost."

And therein lies perhaps the greatest service provided by the Resource Center: to serve as a reminder that we are not alone; that in life, we are each and every one of us a candle on the water, helping our fellow travelers find their way to shore.

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Acclaim Health and Community Care Services is a non-profit, charitable organization providing quality health care services to the Halton regions